American United

The takeover of Manchester United by the Tampa Bay Buccs owner, Malcolm Glazer, has caused such a fuss in the football(soccer) world.
Fans protested last night and had a mini riot because Glazer's sons turned up at Old Trafford to see their investment.
The Man Utd fans are venting xenophobic, bigotted views because they feel an American has no right in buying their precious team. If he was a Russian billionaire like Roman Abramhovic of Chelsea then they would probably be happy with that.
I am loving every minute of it. They deserve everything that happens to them. Their flagrant disregard of the FA Cup competition 4 years ago was disgusting. The money grabbing scum that sold the club on the stock market in the first place have put them in this position now.

The fans seem to think that because they are 'consumers' then they deserve a say in how the club runs. They should shut-up and get on with supporting the football. Leave the running of the club to the new owner.
My only concern is that Glazer borrowed the money to purchase the club by plunging Man Utd into millions of pounds of debt. Do you think I could buy a house like that? Could I borrow the money off the owner of the house I am buying? Let's hope he knows what he is doing.

Who wants to know?

Introducing an I.D. card is the talk of Britain at the moment. It has to be 'biometric' and chipped. There is talk it will cost around £200($390) each and will be voluntary to begin with.
There are arguments stating that it will stop terrorism, curb under age drinking and ease illegal immigration whilst others claim it will intrude on civil liberties.
I, as a paid up Libra, haven't made my mind up yet but I will ask one thing. Why do some people think they are so important that the autorities 'give a damn' what they are up to?
I hear people coming on the radio stating that supermarket loyalty cards and credit card payments lets 'the authorities' know what type of beans they are buying and the ID scheme is more intusion in our lives and 'they' will know more about us.
Do people honestly believe 'someone' is studying them and using information for sinister means. The only reason they want to know what beans you buy is so they can send you money off coupons for that brand.
I don't think that highly of myself to think that anyone cares about my 'normal' life. The only people that should worry are those that are up to no good and living out of the ordainary.

Vive la difference

An old British couple were visiting America. They pulled into a gas station in the middle of no-where. The pump attendant came out and the Englishman said "Fill her up with petrol please".
"We call it Gas over here" The American explained.
The English lady put here head out of the car window and shouted "What did he say..what'd he say?"
"It's ok dear" the Englishman said. "They call it Gas...Gas not petrol"
The visitor then asked the attendant. "Can you check the oil, I'll pop the bonnet for you"
"Eer, we call it a hood over here sir" the American politely corrected him.
"What'd he say, what's 'e saying" she screamed from her car again.
"It's alright love.....they call it a hood not a bonnet. A hood"
The attendant said to the man. "I couldn't help noticing you are from England sir. What part are you from?"
"We are from a town just north of London called Sudbury" replied the Englishman.
"I can't believe it" said the American "I was stationed near there during the war. I remember I had the worst lay of my life in Sudbury" said the attendant.
"What did 'e say.... What's he saying?" came the old womans cry.
The Englishman puts his head around the hood and shouts.."He f***ing knows you!"

A consenant, vowell and consenant. R.I.P.

Richard Whitely, a much loved TV presenter in the UK, has passed away. He was host of Countdown on Channel 4 and was a very sweet and intelligent character. He will be missed by the elderly and youth of Britain as he had drawn a cult following amongst the students at the tea-time slot.
For those of you that know the Countdown tune that plays while the timer spins round, wouldn't it be hilarious if his casket went through the curtains with that playing. Timed just right so the 'bidup, didup, diddley dee..pow' sounded when the curtains closed.
RIP Richard.

Something for the weekend sir/madam?

Something for the weekend, Have good and get give.

Sport, sport, SPORT

Well done to the San Antonio Spurs for winning the NBA Finals. It is difficult to support the Spurs even though I love San Antonio the place. (There are some photos I have taken in Alamo town here.) I am a Dallas Mavericks fan because there is a soccer team in England called Tottenham Hotspur who go by the nickname Spurs. As a West Ham Utd soccer fan it would be too much to walk around with Spurs on any merchandise I wore. Anyway well done Tim Duncan and co. Remember the Alamo!

So Tim Henman is knocked out of Wimbledon. Praise be. The extraordainary coverage in the English press Henman gets makes it hard not to tear your hair out. Every year it's going to be Tim's year. Thank God we don't have to listen to Union Jack plastered housewives screaming "Come on Tim" any more this year. Still the British press have a new hero to put on their pedalstool. Andrew Murray, the 18 year old Scot, is the new boy-wonder. Wonder how long it takes for the press to make us sick and tired of him?

I played golf yesterday for the first time in 4 years. We are going to Scotland to watch The Open Championship in two weeks and we are playing the Gleneagles course whilst up there. I thought maybe I should get a few hits in before I take on a championship style course. I managed to break 100 which I didn't think was too bad. My friend Stuart has a new driver for me which I haven't tried yet. "It'll make your drives go 30 yards further" he tells me...... 30 yards further into the rough methinks! FORE!

Come on the British Lions. We take on the All Blacks and if you want to see some big boys without shoulder pads and helmets crashing into one another, check out the Adidas advert. Click on Last Man Standing and choose the 60 sec clip and be patient.

Jackass

Filed under D for danger, I thought I'd share the limit of my reckless youth. (It really wasn't reckless at all but makes me sound more macho!)

Around 14 years old, in 19 eighty-something, some bright spark at school told us how to make yourself pass-out(without alchohol). It involves breathing heavy and other stuff which I will not share because I don't want copycat fainters out there.
The first time I did it was in my bedroom. I was amazed it worked. I did the magic thing that I can't say and ....'bonk' on the floor.
I did it several times and set up my tape recorder to time how long I was out for. EXTREMELY stupid because I could have hit my head on any number of sharp objects in my room.
I timed 40 seconds I seem to remember which fascinated me because it seemed like I came around instantly.
At one point while playing back the tape I heard my mum shout upstairs "Are you alright?"
Poor mum must have kept hearing me crash on the floor. "Stop banging" she would shout. Probably scared to think what a teenage boy would be up to in the solitude of his room, she never investigated more than that when I answered "I'm OK".
I stopped this pointless foolery the next day when, after asking a friend to catch me, I fell forward instead of back and landed flat on my face.
I came around with a cut lip and a splitting headache. All afternoon I had concussion and I have never, ever done it again.
There are many things we have done when we were young that we look back on and think "wow, that was stupid".
I think that is one of the scariest parts of parenthood... our own childhood being mirrored.

I'm 'avin a fag.

The powers-that-be in this country are talking of banning us from sucking on a fag in public.
I can hear my American friends choking on their Root Beer.
I know that having a fag in your mouth in public would get you executed in some states.
Is Great Britain that liberal that they allow fag puffing in the open?
Don't worry I am talking about smoking.
The great debate rumbles on about whether people can smoke in pubs and clubs around the country.

The langauge difference is very interesting.
If Americans were to compliment an English woman on her tight fanny, meaning a fit backside, they would be in for an interesting conversation.
A fanny over here has a WHOLE different meaning.
You also use the word 'pants' a lot which cracks us up because pants are underwear over here.

We are indeed, two nations divided by a common language.

Happy Slapping

Tom Cruise was attacked by a water filled microphone whilst being filmed for an interview over here.

There is a worrying craze going around Britain where kids attack people, slapping, hitting or humiliating them and filming it on their mobile phone videos.

What is the difference with the attack on Tom Cruise and the so called 'Happy Slappers' that 'society' is up-in-arms about?

Remember Tom. 'Ridicule is nothing to be scared of'.

I'm melting...

We thumped the Aussies in a one day international. They must be luring us into a false sense of security for the Test matches. I can't believe they are really that bad. We can laugh at them for a while though... they couldn't even beat Bandgledesh.

It's been hotter than the Carribean in England this weekend. Needless to say I am sunburnt. Hopefully the red will turn brown soon. Wimbledon starts today so I guess the rain will begin as well.

JOKE
I was asked my favorite joke the other day by my Suzy. I had to think but in the end I think this is my best-est:

A young boy was having his eyes tested. The optician asked him to cover his left eye and read the chart. The boy had trouble with his left and right and kept covering the wrong eye. The optician had come across this problem before so he brought out a tool he had specially prepared. It was a Kellogs cereal box with a hole cut in it so only one eye could see out. The optician placed it on the childs head. "Now read the chart please" he asked. The boy shoulders started shaking and it was clear he was sobbing inside the cardboard box. "what's wrong?" asked the optician. The boy replied....." I wanted a designer pair like my brother"

Congratulations to Kiwi, Michael Campbell, who won the US Open last night. Campbell lives in Brighton, England so we can claim a bit of success. I am off to see the British Open in July at St Andrews and will look out for the new champion. Watching golf is a bit like watching paint dry but I love the way 40,000 people can all keep quiet at the right times and cheer when needed. The American audience at the US Open was pushing this a bit by screaming " Get in the hole!!" even when Tiger Woods was teeing off on a 450yard hole. Lack of golfing knowledge or supreme optimism?

Strug-ger-ling for content today. Far too hot to blog. I'm off to plunge my head in a bowl of cold water. Air con is a wonder of the modern world. I just wish my unit worked a bit better.

Angel

A long time ago I heard a story that brought a tear to my eye. It may be an urban myth but I kinda hope it's true. I will attempt to tell it but forgive me if some facts are wrong because it was quite a while ago I heard it.

A boy was found to need a bone marrow transplant. He needed a match which often comes from siblings. His little sister was going to be tested to see if she had the right blood cell qualities. This involved taking a blood sample to be tested. The little girl was in the hospital room with the nurse. As the nurse was cleaning the girls arm she was struck by the little girls comments. The nurse realised the brave sister was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for her brother when she asked her "How long will it take before I get to heaven?" The little girl had thought that taking the blood sample would kill her but was going along with it to save her brother. *choke*

I am in touch with my feminine side. I took the test below and I am outed as an angel. I realise that angels are historically men but I also scored 59% mermaid!

You scored as Angel.Angel: Angels are the guardians of all things, from the smallest ant to the tallest tree. They give inspiration, love, hope, and positive emotion. They live among humans without being seen. They are the good in all things, and if you feel alone, don't fear. They are always watching. Often times they merely stand by, whispering into the ears of those who feel lost. They would love nothing more then to reveal themselves, but in today's society, this would bring havoc and many unneeded questions. Give thanks to all things beautiful, for you are an Angel. Angel 75% Mermaid 59% Faerie 50% WereWolf 33% Dragon 25% Demon 8% What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!) created with QuizFarm.com

Remember: If you want to know your enemy then you should
walk a mile in his shoes........... that way he will be a mile away...and shoeless.

America continues to do soccer badly
FC Dallas scored some respect from me when they ditched the name Dallas Burn. They figured that by giving a more 'European' name they would be taken more seriously.
All this has gone out the window now they have signed a deal to call their new stadium 'Pizza Hut Park'.

You will never find such a ridiculously named stadium over here. Anfield, Old Trafford, St Jame's Park, Nou Camp, San Siro. ...
errr Pizza Hut Park doesn't fit buddy.

Speed of Light

Is anyone else as amazed as I am by the speed of 'search engines'. I know they have been around for a long time but they have always been that fast which is even more amazing because isn't old technology suppose to be sloooow compared with today.

If you type "www." into Google you get 2,990,000,000 results in 0.9 seconds.

There must be billions of websites and Google can search through them all to find something as obscure as "tidy squirrels" and you get 4 results in 0.27 seconds.

nut smuggler

It has to be a modern wonder of the world..... along with how they get little people in my TV set. How on earth do search engines work so fast.(geeks need not answer that)

It takes my computer ages to search my hard drive. It took 30 minutes to tell me it couldn't find any mpegs with 'melons' in the title. *cough*

Top 6 things that make me go 'oooooo'

1. Search Engines
2. Aeroplanes
3. Air Conditioning
4. Mobile phones
5. The Universe
6. Melons!

Who found this?

The Google map thing is wonderful. In America you can view satellite images of an area. At this website, Google Sightseeing, someone has spotted a image of an aeroplane flying while photographed by the satellite.

click here to see the full image

Who found this and how?

I have used the satellite map to drive along roads with my mouse. I 'drove' from San Francisco to L.A. It was a lovely day and I think I was on the wrong side of the road but no-one seemed to mind. *fruitcake*

Doves anyone?

Just a footnote on the Michael Jackson case. Did you see the woman releasing a dove every time Jacko was aquitted?

Question..... Where does one get hold of doves? Is there someone who catches them, like fish, or are they bred like pets and released to fend for themselves?

TRIUMPH the Insult Dog destroys Jacksons fans outside the courtroom here.

This is hilarious especially at the end when the woman is insisting she saw MJ 'come in his pyjamas'.

Holders

I listen online to the greatness of the Musers, Dunham and Miller on Dallas Sports Radio - The Ticket every day. The other day they had a conversation about 'Holders'. A Holder is the name they give to the wind that we hold in when we are in polite company.


Great picture from a great blog by rob. click here.

Everyone who reads this must have encountered the Holders at some point. It is a very human thing. I know for a fact that dogs don't suffer with the Holders. They just let it go. The Musers conversation raised very funny points. Are the Holders good for you? Some say it raises blood pressure and could lead to death.

Is it exclusively a male condition? Do women suffer from the Holders? Surely the worst case of the Holders happens at Christmas time? All that turkey, vegatables and polite company.

Have you ever wondered why some men insist on opening the car door for their female companions?... to release the Holders on the way around the front of the vehicle. Some times it may take several laps of the car.

20Twenty

20Twenty cricket is an exciting form of the game which, whilst not for the purists, provides a 3 hour game of exhillerating cricket.

England faced the old enemy, Australia, in a warm up to the upcoming Ashes series. We thrashed them by 100 runs and the guess what? The nay-sayers came out of the woodwork to play down the English victory. I understand their reservations. After all 20Twenty is like a slog on the beach compared to Test cricket. If, however, it was England that lost to the Aussies by 100 runs, then boy! we would have faced a hell of a mauling by the sports press.

Well Done England and my apologies to my American friends who haven't got a clue what I just said.

Land of the Free

What is wrong with US Justice? From afar it seems that you can hold people without trial indefinently(Guantanamo Bay); Get away with murder(OJ);Starve mentally ill patients to death(Shiavo) and now sleep with young boys(Jacko). You can't show a nipple during the Superbowl though.

Jacko..officially not Bad

All eyes are on the UN to see if they are going to get an invasion force together to sort out America *tongue in cheek* .

It is a good job Saddam Hussein is not being tried in America because his highly paid legal team will be able to convince a jury that he is squeeky clean.

If the child in this case was abused by Jackson but his mothers character is the reason the jury distrusted the charges then this can't be justice. Just because the jury disliked the mother doesn't mean they should have disguarded accounts of abuse. This jury found the mother whackier than Jackson.

Over in Britain we find it distasteful that the jury held a press conference. We would never see that over here. Justice needs to be seen to be done. Seeing the jury struggle to answer press questions about why they thought Jackson is innocent did not help my vision. Seen to be done...? American Justice has to be seen to be believed.

Phone Sex

There is talk about banning mobile phones in public areas. The 'ban' word is used frequently over here however impractical the ban may be. This one has a touch of 'good idea' about. Everyone knows how annoying a phone user is in resturants or trains. A conversation that usually consists of "I'm at the ....." and "I'll be home soon" is deemed to be so important that the person will interrupt theirs, and others to answer that call.

Mobiles have been a 'wonder' of technology. Growing up, watching Star Trek, I would never have thought I would have a 'communication device' of my own. It is amazing that we have the ability to travel anywhere(almost) and tell someone "I'm at the ....." Captain Kirk did have one advantage. He didn't have a stupid 'beep' in form of a tune to tell him the Bridge was calling him.

The rudeness of people with mobile phones is the problem here. To interrupt a conversation to talk to someone else, just because they are 'hailing' you, is plain bad manners.

Can you believe a recent survey claimed that 3 out of 10 people would interrupt sex to answer their phone!
Surely this statistic should read 30% of people have crap sex. Maybe it should say - 30% of people are answering their phones because their spouse might be calling them while they are having sex with someone they shouldn't be with.

Why else would you answer your phone during sex unless the call is from your neighbour telling you to close the curtains and keep the noise down!?

Sexist Pig

Danica Patrick is taking the American sports world by storm. Danica is an Indy car driver who is playing sports with the big boys. She is 5ft tall and weighs about 100lbs. There’s sour grapes from the men who claim she has an unfair advantage because of her weight. The car will go faster with less weight onboard. There are regulations for the weight of the car so the men do have a point… but come on! If there was that much advantage then the drivers would be more like jockeys. They should concentrate on their driving skills to beat the girl.


The sexist part of my brain wonders whether Danica would be so successful if there were shops around the edge of the speedways. My limited experience of women tells me that they see the word ‘Sale’ as an anagram of ‘Stop’.

My own beloved Suzy once crashed in a Playstation racing game. When I asked why she ploughed into the barrier she replied. ‘I saw some shops!’ I must point out that Sooz doesn’t play the Playstation often because she is holding out for a shopping game.

I’m sure if another Indy team put a shoe shop in the pit-lane then Danica will be held up for at least 20 laps, 30 if she has to parallel park.

Look out..conspiracy theory ahead

Our sly Government, or should I say civil servants, have decided to cut the tax on petrol and put it on distance driven. Using satellite technology they will track us and charge us per mile.

Most paranoid liberals will be crying ‘foul’ over the invasion of privacy when being tracked. This is not the real conspiracy here.
The real conspiracy is that the aforementioned ‘sly’ civil servants have realised car technology and design are increasingly pointing towards ‘hybrid’ cars which use petrol and electricity to drive the vehicle. When the petrol is driving the car on the open road then the batteries are charged. Urban driving, which uses more fuel, is controlled by the electric motor.

The treasury have realised that within 10 years the amount of petrol we use could be significantly reduced. Good news?... Not if you understand that the fuel tax received will be greatly reduced too.



People often wonder what would happen if we all stopped driving or smoking as the Government want us to. Would the revenue lost mean our economy collapses? I think someone has answered that by trying to bring in this charge-per-mile tax. In 10 years fuel tax will start diminishing so therefore the money must be taken from us another way.

What other reason is there for thinking up such a wild solution like satellite tracking for 30 million cars when the ultimate charge-per-mile tax would be more fuel tax? The more miles you do, the more fuel you use… unless you have a ‘hybrid’ car. The Government clearly thinks we all will have one in the future.

They don’t really want us to stop smoking or driving. I’m not sure they want to cure diseases that kill us either. That would mean more pensions and health care to pay out for. The future is bright, the future must be paid for.

Toyota Prius - an example of a Hybrid car

A map of places I have been in the world. I found it here. I think it's quite interesting.


create your own visited country map

I've only been to 3% of the states.


create your own personalized map of the USA

Only 11% of Europe


create your personalized map of europe

Crazy Frog

The Crazy Frog is all over Britain. No, not Jacque Chirac but a little cartoon, ugly toad-thing that masquerades as a ringtone. His dangly bits are covered by a blacked out censored strip which is bizarre because, as far as I can tell, he is not in a state of arousal. I thought it was only the sight of an erect member that upset the British public.


For the uninformed the ringtone is a mad collection of ‘bing’, ‘bah’ and ‘bong’ sounds like a motorbike revving up. It is sung by the little frog over Axel F from the 80’s film Beverley Hills Cop starring Eddie Murphy. It reached number one in the British singles charts, beating Coldplay’s single, Speed of Sound, to the top spot. Click here to see more of the Frog

The indignation this caused in the press and by the general public has led me to the conclusion that everyone is over reacting. The Crazy Frog is indeed annoying. The creator himself admits it. Doing that is a master-stroke of marketing. The British public lap-up ‘annoying’. Anything that is annoying tends to do well in this country.
I am sure ‘Pinky and Perky’ were annoying to adults back-in-the-day.
Joe Dolce’s Shutuppa yer Face was a song in the 80’s that beat Ultravox’s Vienna to the number one slot. Mr Blobby made Christmas number one a few years ago. We love ‘annoying’ so why the surprise that Crazy Frog upstaged Chris Martin’s Coldplay.


Has anyone asked if the Coldplay single is any good? It obviously wasn’t bought as much in the shops as the Frog . That is the problem with the UK singles chart. It was assumed that a big release like Coldplay would go straight to number one. You can’t assume such things, you have to see what the sales figures are. We can’t handle the fact that the annoying naked frog is more popular with the single buying public than a band heralded as the next Beatles.

Get over it Britain. Crazy Frog is really just a re-release of Axel F which, in it’s day, was a good song. Axel F beat Coldplay really. I’m sure Coldplay are more interested in the Album chart. Albums are the real guide to how successful you are. The ‘grown ups’ buy albums. For the sake of the Great Britain, I hope that adults are not responsible for what is succesful in the singles chart.

Has Tom Cruise lost it?


There is a weirdness surrounding Tom Cruise. There are reports that his scientology obsession is turning him nuts. It is said that at his film shoots he has a scientology tent set up to try and convert fellow actors.

He has gone loopy on Oprah over his love for Katie Holmes, of Dawsons Creek fame. He repeated it on Jay Leno's show the other night and people are saying he has lost the plot.

I haven't seen his latest film, War of the Worlds. I am sure it will be great but there are mumurs around the internet community that Tom is cuckoo. Check out this site devoted to saving Katie Holmes from Cruise's antics.

Robin Hood

You may have heard that the authorities (whoever they are?) have banned 'hoodies' and baseball caps from being worn together at Bluewater shopping centre. Of course, as the mall is an indoor one, the hoods do not need to be up to protect the little 'chavs' from catching a chill around their necks.
It's most probably Eminem's fault for making them think it looks cool but their lack of individuality is not in question here. I have a problem with the baseball cap bearing a New York Yankees logo worn by people who clearly have no idea about the Yankees.

Saddam, banned from malls in England for his headwear.

The Yankees will no doubt love the fact that Britain is flooded with their mechandise. I just think that a nation which considers baseball to be glorified rounders shouldn't have half it's youth *gasps at how old he sounds* running around in NYY gear.

For a laugh I'd love to ask one of the spotty oiks what he thought of the Yankees starting pitcher rotation or even just to name a player. They would think A-Rod was a drain doctor or plumber.
I hope the Malcolm Glazier (Tampa Bay Buccs owner) take-over of Manchester Utd doesn't have the same effect in the USA. I'd hate all the 'football illiterates' who insist on calling the greatest game on earth sar-kour(soccer) to be parading around in Man Utd shirts without ever knowing who Eric Cantona is.

Day One...

Why does the British public have to pay so much for EVERYTHING? We have taxes on petrol(gas) and cigarettes that make them prohibitively high.

For our American cousins who may read this, we are paying £3.21 a US Gallon. That’s around $5.89 a gallon. We also pay $9.50 for 20 Malboro cigarettes. Whilst I understand the Government is trying to stop us driving unnecessarily and stop us killing ourselves, equally unnecessarily, what I don’t understand is why food ,music and other goods don’t seem to adhere to currency conversions.

Example: Creative Zen Touch MP3 player –
Walmart USA = $228
Argos UK = £179 = $328
Difference = $100

Why are we paying $100 more for exactly the same product?

I have found the Zen Touch at Amazon.co.uk for only $47 more at $275 but the same company with a .com suffix is still only $224. Why do Amazon charge their British customers fifty dollars more than their American ones?

Amazon USA = $224
Amazon UK = £150 = $275
Difference = $51

The answer has to be that the British accept paying these prices and continue buying the products. Americans won’t put up prices like that.
I haven’t got time, nor the will, to go through everything but from Big Macs to flight tickets, the British are being screwed. We are bent over and taking it willingly.

"Premier League, you're 'aving a larf..."


Congratulations to my beloved West Ham Utd. We are back where we should be and maybe now I'll get to hear how they are doing without having to scour the sports pages for details. Outside the Premier League really is a wilderness. I knew all about what Crystal Palace or Fulham were up to last year but West Ham, like Leeds Utd had become forgotten giants.

There were some weeks when I didn't even know they had played midweek. Sky have made the top teams so elite and forget about the rest. Barnsley, Wolves, Bradford, Derby- all teams that shouldn't have been Premier League in my opinion (watch this space) have been hung out to dry because they have left the 'big boys club'.

Thank heaven we are back. I guess I have a whole season of watching us keep our heads above the water. Come on you Irons!