Da Vinci Code

An article by Gordon Keith. Check out Gordo's website and his Columns at Dallas 'Quick' magazine


'Da Vinci Code' is so crazy, it just may work
By GORDON KEITH

Two years ago in a sunlit office on the West Coast ...

"Jennifer, could you send in Ron Howard please?" Bob turns to Pete. "Pete, you realize that this is Potsy, that little kid from Barney Griffith?"

"Really?" The two men settle into the couch under a Kandinsky print. "I'll be damned."

"Yeah. He's sensitive about it, so don't bring it up."

The door opens. Ron Howard is all smiles, buckteeth and bald head.
"Howard, good to see you! Sit down, sit down. Cocaine?"

"No thanks."

"Well, we have read the script for The Da Vinci Code, and we just love it. Don't we Bob?"

"Absolutely, Pete."

"Great stuff. Really great stuff," Bob says. "Now, we haven't really read the script, but we are familiar with your other films. Why don't you tell us what this one is about?"

Ron Howard is a little taken aback. "It's about hidden clues in the paintings of Leonardo Da Vinci that point all the way back to a conspiracy surrounding Jesus Christ," he says.

"Perfect, just perfect! Who does Jesus kill to get the paintings back?" Bob says.
"No one," Ron says.

"OK. I see, I see. He has them stolen from Him! By who? Carjackers?" Pete asks.

"No. Jesus is simply the backdrop of a present day mystery set in Europe," Ron says.

"People have heard of Jesus, so we get some great name recognition right there," says Bob. "But –and this is just talking you understand – couldn't we make sure we have a few explosions in there?"

"Maybe from carjackers," Pete adds.

"Perfect Pete," says Bob, "and since Jesus is from the Middle East, we should definitely put some terrorists in there!"

"But hot terrorists. I'm thinking Heath Ledger, with Ashton Kutcher as a wisecracking sidekick. And they are after Jesus' paintings because they heard he dissed them at a party."

"Yes! A party for 9/11 victims."

"What?" Ron says.

"Or maybe, since he is Jesus and all, an orphanage party, but we need something a little more hip than Leonardo Divinci. I am just thinking out loud here, but how about Kayne West?"

"Perfect, Bob!" says Pete. "Kayne West is an artist, say from Detroit, but instead of painting, he raps! Jesus hears that hot terrorist carjackers are going to shut down the 9/11 orphanage in Detroit, so he has a rap-off with Kayne West to keep the orphanage going and get his paintings back."

"What do you think, Ron?"

"You're both out of your minds. In the book, Jesus marries Mary Magdalene and they have a child whose offspring exists in France today."

Bob and Pete stare at Ron, then each other.

"Come on now, Ron. Let's not get crazy."